Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence
is in Him. Jeremiah 17:7
Some of us are better at doing nothing than others. It
really is an art form, even a gift. My husband has told me on more than one occasion
that I do not have the gift of “slack” which he says he perfected in his
bachelorhood. God, however, always seems to know when the girl needs to sit
down for reflection and it almost always comes with a heaping helping of your
friendly neighborhood virus.
As a mother of four, when I worked full-time at home, there
was no room for illness – moms do not get ill. We blow our noses, pull up our
hair, yank on our sweats and face the day of caring for our babies. Period. As
a nurse, however, illness and the job do not go well together. Patients do not
appreciate a nurse who is hacking and snorting through a visit. So, I sit.
I wasn’t feeling well on Friday – premonition that the virus
was coming on but hopeful that my dosing of vitamin C, Zinc and gallons of water
would ward of the enemy. Saturday brought a heavy head that only became heavier
as I drove myself, my mom and two of my girls to the airport to pick up my
eldest, home for Christmas from her Army career. Sunday I pulled my body out of
bed, filled a ziplock baggie with cough drops and poured myself into the row of
chairs at church surrounded by my family, hastily gulping tea hoping I would
not drown out the teaching with a coughing fit. By Sunday night, I was done
for.
Today is Tuesday, still fighting, very little voice to speak
of and patients whom I really would like to be able to see waiting for me to be
well. Yes, there are other wonderful and
capable nurses to care for them – but these are my patients…
Then, God whispers. He is so patient with me, very gentle.
He knows I am stubborn and willful and self-sufficient. I would like to blame
this on being the only girl surrounded by three brothers, but alas, I know I am
a sinner. My brother once said in a sermon of his that we are like sheep –
dirty, stinky, rotten, dumb sheep in need of a shepherd – boy howdy!!
So, I listen. I listen to my girls with stories of their day
together. I listen to their unspoken stories as well. I see in them the hurt
that this world brings: insecurities, fear, worry, and unmet expectations. When they were little it was so much easier to
protect them from the world. To control who influenced their lives and who had
access to their hearts but as they grow this too is out of my hands and I am
forced to remember, often through my tears, that Jesus is their loving shepherd
– He loves them infinitely more than I do and I am awed by that love.
Amazed as well for that same love is given to me – and I
know I am not deserving of it, but thank you Jesus, I accept it. Now, if only I could learn to walk it out. To
demonstrate daily to my husband, my children, my family, my neighbors and
co-workers, to my friends this love that I have found in Jesus and the
knowledge that He alone holds all things. What a beautiful thing it would be to have
such an unwavering trust in God that nothing could shake it from you. And this is my prayer for myself and for
those I love…all of us an unfinished story.
